Spes, Meus Amor
by Roses45
Summary: Remus and Sirius comfort each other while underneath the stars. RXS, mentions of minor abuse and self-harm, minor language. Title should mean "Hope, my love", but I used an online Latin translator.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of these wonderful characters.

AN: I used an online Latin translator for the title, which I hope means "Hope, my love" but if it doesn't or isn't grammatically correct, please let me know.

Warnings: mentions of self-harm and minor abuse

Thanks and enjoy the story.

Spes, Meus Amor

The crescent moon shines in an almost mocking tone at Remus as water from the Great Lake gleams back at him. He finds it ironic that something so elegant and something that is the subject of much admirable literature could cause him so much pain; it is simply too far away, isn't it? Lady Luna is millions of miles above him, flanked by thousands of glittering soldiers, and yet she has such a tangible pull on this world, on his life. His sharp eyes flick side to side as Remus idly wonders whether the blazing sun ever gets jealous of her pristine beauty.

Blades of grass bristle, tickling the back of Remus's ankle. Somewhere within the forest, a beast cries out. Its voice is full of anguish and a hopeless longing for something, tangible or intangible, but something just beyond its paw's reach. Sometimes, Remus just feels like howling at the moon too. Not particularly out of pain, but rather just to solidify his place in the world, to make people realize that _see, there really is no difference from man and beast, so why can't you like me? _But he realizes his efforts would be futile as Remus knows that there really is a big difference between the two. True, both have the power to shred a jugular, but only one acts upon the instinct so regularly.

So instead of trying to change the world, Remus leans back and looks to the boy sitting next to him. Sirius is vigorously flinging little pebbles, which he actually brought with him, into the lake. His long, black hair sways in the breeze. Remus thinks Sirius has never looked so powerful- muscles coiled and shaking with such an unspoken rage, silver eyes tinted with blue and glaring at the water. Times like these, Remus can't help but be afraid of his friend. Too much pent up aggression.

"I hate my whole family," Sirius spits his words out. His left hand clenches shut and Remus contemplates moving away, but decides against it. Instead he waits patiently as rage slowly seeps out and shifts into inevitable sorrow.

After a few beats of silence, Sirius asks, "Do you know she used to hit me?", his tone carefully controlled.

The amber-eyed boy knows immediately whom he is referring to and has nothing to say to this. _His_ mum and frankly no one has ever touched him, save for a few playful punches from friends.

They turn back to listen to the nature encircling them. Remus knows that there is really nothing he can do for Sirius; James is usually the one to pick up the pieces, but he is currently inside the castle, sheltered by the warmth of his girlfriend's embrace.

"You know, I still feel inferior to some people," he's not quite sure why he says this but it's the truth so Remus just rolls with it. Sirius doesn't seem to hear.

"She would come chasing me with a knife."

"No matter what you guys have done for me, I still have times where I feel I don't deserve all of this, that Dumbledore should never have given me the letter."

"Sometimes she would get so mad that she would even use Unforgivables on me."

"Have I thanked you for being my friend?"

For the first time this night, Sirius turns to look at him.

"Yes. The first morning after the three of us joined you as Animagi you spent the entire time thanking us," dark circles grace his under-eyes and the tops of his cheekbones.

"Hmm.. that's right. I hope you know that even if your biological family doesn't love you, your adopted one does. I can testify to that, if you'd like."

Sirius quirks his mouth and gives him an odd look before continuing with his story.

"One day, I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I picked up the knife she always chased me with. It hurt like hell at first but after a few seconds it felt..great. I finally had someone to lash out against."

He pauses briefly.

"I spent my whole childhood trying to please her. Then one stupid thing and it's like I'm not her son anymore. She couldn't _bear_ to touch me! Every time she looked at me, it was..ugh," frustrated, Sirius grabs a pile of pebbles and flings them. Remus is very tempted to berate him for acting like a child but keeps quiet. When he looks back at Sirius, he is stunned. At the corner of his right eye, a tear drop perches precariously.

"Damn it, look at me! I'm crying for my stupid, messed up, idiotic.." his voice warbles as he wipes his eyes furiously. The vulnerability screams at Remus; Sirius's ego and pride disappeared long ago to leave behind a frustrated, lonely boy desperately in need of approval and affection.

Without looking away from Sirius and without any thought of the consequence, Remus gently picks up his arm. Slowly he rolls up his sleeves; Sirius shivers from the cool touch but doesn't pull away. Glancing briefly at the jagged scars on the forearm, Remus presses his lips to each finger. Sirius needs his cliched prince in shining armor to save him from himself and his memories. _Well_, Remus thinks, _he's going to have to make do with me. _

As Remus makes his way up, he fingers each scar before placing his lips on them. The kisses stop at his elbow because the shirt refuses to roll further. With a quick glance at Sirius, who is just gazing confoundedly at him with red rimmed eyes, he begins undoing the button on the shirt. Sirius shivers again when Remus places his cold hands on his shoulders.

The kisses begin where they stopped: slow, unhesitating, and comforting. Sirius opens his mouth to say something but closes it again. As Remus approaches his very warm collar bone, he pulls up sharply.

"Remus..." for the first time, Sirius is at a loss of words.

"Don't. Don't speak. Please don't ruin this by speaking," he pleads with his beautiful amber eyes. Sirius's gaze falters. Remus brushes his cheek softly in response.

Sirius gently grabs the hand and tries to collect his thoughts. His pants tighten uncomfortably and his face is moist, but he trudges on regardless.

"About the whole werewolf thing, and don't give me that look, I know how many times I've said this, but it isn't your fault. You were bitten and there is nothing you can do but just enjoy your humanity and try to somehow work through the beast's mind. You'll never have to go through it by yourself, not now and not when we leave this school. Remus, remember that _both_ your family and your adopted family love you. Okay?" he seems shocked that so many words came out but focuses on his friend's expression.

_I love you,_ Sirius adds in his mind. For a brief, maddening moment, he wonders whether he should say it out loud.

_No_, Sirius remind himself with conviction, _I can't push him._

Remus licks his lips, "You know that is the most you have said this entire week."

"Well, I am full of surprises tonight, aren't I?" he lifts up the right side of his mouth and brings his hand to trace the outline of Remus's jaw.

Amber eyes meet silver eyes and the connection holds firm until Sirius decides he cannot take this insanity anymore and moves to close the gap between them.

Remus freezes briefly and Sirius wonders whether he went too far. A millisecond passes and then he reaches up to thread one hair in Sirius's ebony hair, keeping the other on his waist.

He gasps from the contact and Sirius takes this opportunity to push his tongue in gently.

Hands wander, searching for a momentary place-hold to overload their senses until their owners can no longer think coherently but only on the presence of each other. Neither boy seems to know where one begins and where the other starts. Remus leans back and Sirius follows suit, their bodies remaining flush.

_Huh_, Sirius wonders, _we're a perfect fit._

It's an ethereal, strange mix. All sharp jaw lines and lean fingers, long eye lashes and graceful limbs, knobby ankles and curved necks. The same throbbing pulse, the same fierce need to protect the other from harsh realities.

Remus breaks away to look up at his partner and whisper, "I love you and you are always safe with me," their lips grazing as he speaks.

The silver-eyed boy smiles softly and gives him a chaste kiss.

"I love you, Remus, and I will do my best to ease your pain."

The boys lay there, content with each others heart beat, letting touch soothe their internal and physical wounds.

"Remus?"

"Hmm.."

"I love you."

Remus chuckles. Sirius smiles against his chest at the vibration.

"You said that already, Pads."

"Yeah, I know, just...it gives me hope. You know, that there is hope to this life. That despite the war and despite our messed up childhood, somehow we'll make it."

"I love you, Pads."

"You already said that, Moony," Sirius mocks him but lifts up to kiss his lips nevertheless.

"If we stay out here any longer, we'll both freeze."

"Yeah, 'suppose we will," but Sirius snuggles into Remus's chest and just stays.

Smiling foolishly and with a warm feeling all over his body despite the chill, Remus wraps his arms protectively around his friend and kisses the top of his head, before settling back onto the lush grass.

_Somehow_, he thinks firmly at the moon, _somehow the two of us will make it._

Looking down at the mop of black hair splashed across his chest, he adds, _I have hope too, my love_.

Lady Luna gazes serenely at the two lovers. Somewhere in the maze of trees and branches, another animal howls back.


End file.
